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Superkids and super problems; parents in search of excellence are pushing their children too far and too fast. David Elkind.
Psychology Today, May 1987 v21 p60(2)
Full Text: COPYRIGHT Psychology Today Magazine 1987
Superkids and Super Problems
Not so long ago, mostparents wanted their kids to be like everybody else. They were often as upset if a child were precocious as they were if the child were slow. Precocity was looked upon as being bad for the child's psychological health. The assumption was "early ripe, early rot.'
Now that has changed. For many parents todaythere is no such thing as going too fast, and their major concern is that their child stay ahead of the pack. Far from presuming that precocity has bad effects psychologically, they believe that being above the norm brings many benefits. The assumption is "early ripe, early rich!'
The major consequence of this new parentingpsychology is that many contemporary parents are putting tremendous pressure on children to perform at ever-earlier ages. A first-grade teacher told me that an irate mother screamed at her because she had given the woman's son a "Satisfactory.' "How is he ever going to get into M.I.T. if you give him a "Satisfactory!'' the mother wailed.
Many parents now enroll their child in prestigiousnursery schools as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed. And once the child is old enough, they coach the child for the screening interview. "When they count everything in sight,' one nursery school director said, "you know they have been drilled before the interview.' Parents believe that only if the child gets into this or that prestigious nursery school will he or she ever have a chance at getting into Harvard, Yale or Stanford. For the same reason, our elementary schools are suddenly filled with youngsters in enriched and accelerated programs.
It is not just in academics that children arebeing pushed harder at ever-earlier ages. Some parents start their preschool children in sports such as tennis and swimming in hopes that they will become Olympic athletes. A young man who attended one of my child-development lectures stopped by afterward to ask me a question. He works as a tennis instructor at an exclusive resort hotel in Florida and wanted to know how to motivate his students. When I asked how old they were he told me that they ranged in age from 3 to 5 years!
The pressure to make ordinary children exceptionalhas become almost an epidemic in sports. I had high hopes for soccer, which can be played by all makes and models of children, big, small and in between. But in most states soccer has become as competitive and selective as baseball, football and hockey. The star mentality prevails, and the less talented youngster simply doesn't get to participate. Play is out and competition is in.
The pressure for exceptionality is equallypowerful at the secondary level. High school students are pressured not only to get good grades but to get into as many advanced-placement classes as possible. Around the country private tutoring centers are sprouting up like dandelions in the spring, offering lessons in everything from beginning reading to taking college-entrance exams. Other parents urge their children to start dating at an early age so that they will have good interpersonal skills and a better chance to win the most eligible mates.
Clearly, there is nothing wrong with wantingchildren to do their best. It is not the normal, healthy desire of parents to have successful children that is the problem, but the excessive pressure some parents are putting on children.
Why this push for excellence? Since parentstoday are having fewer children, their chances of having "a child to be proud of' are lower than when families were larger. The cost of child rearing has also increased dramatically, so a successful child also protects one's investment. But most of all, many of today's parents have carved out their own successful careers and feel very much in charge of their lives. They see no reason they should not take charge of child rearing in the same manner and with the same success. A successful child is the ultimate proof of their success.
The result is that many parents are far too intrusive.By deciding what and when children should learn, they rob them of the opportunity to take the initiative, to take responsibility for their mistakes and credit for their achievements. Such practices run the risk of producing children who are dependent and lacking in self-esteem. Today's parents want superkids, but what they are often getting are super problems.
Although correlation is certainly not causation,it is hard not to connect the reported increase in stress symptoms over the last decade with the pressure on today's children to be superkids. The stories I hear as I travel about the country are frightening. A girl who was involved in four different out-of-school activities (ballet, horseback riding, Brownies and music lessons) developed severe facial tics at age 8. Irving Sigel of Educational Testing Service tells the story of a 6-year-old who, while doing her homework, asked her mother, "If I don't get these right, will you kill me?' A woman told me that her 7-year-old grandson ran away from home (and all the after-school lessons), and came to her house, where he could have milk and cookies and play with the dog. One mother asked me if I could cure her 6-year-old son of his nail biting by hypnosis or by teaching him relaxation. When I suggested that a less demanding extracurricular program might help, she replied, "Oh no, we can't do that.'
Such child behavior problems are symptomaticof our times. Our trouble is that we always seem to go to extremes. Parents are either too permissive or too pushy. Healthy child rearing demands a middle ground. Certainly we need to make demands on our children. But they have to be tailored to the child's interests and abilities. We put our children at risk for short-term stress disorders and long-term personality problems when we ignore their individuality and impose our own priorities "for their own good.'
I believe that we need to abandon the falsenotions that we can create exceptional children by early instruction, and that such children are symbols of our competence as parents. And I believe we should be as concerned with character as with success. If we have reared a well-mannered, good and decent person, we should take pleasure and pride in that fact. More likely than not, if we have achieved those goals, the child's success will take care of itself. Each child has a unique pattern of qualities and abilities that makes him or her special. In this sense, every single child is a superkid.